It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
