For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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