Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
