my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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