My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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