I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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