Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
