Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
