after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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