I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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