The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
