when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You are a genius and a whore.
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