Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
