My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
