my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize