You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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