His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
