So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
