I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
