Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
