I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
