My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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