Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
