Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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