Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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