There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
