His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
