Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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