I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
