see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
