Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
