I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize