It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you have to choose: penises or morals?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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