I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
