I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
