Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
