If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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