The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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