don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
