That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
