If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize