They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
