Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
