He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
