This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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