I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
