Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
