I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dick very happy bro
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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