I am puke
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We are all done wearing pants today
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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