I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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