Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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