those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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