just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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