So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
