I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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