I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
