id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
