I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
