so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the condom got lost in my hair
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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