Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
