I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
