Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
