Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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