I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Sober January is a disaster.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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